just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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