I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
