OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
