Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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