and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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