in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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