yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
