Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
