Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize