There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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