just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
