my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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