i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
