If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
