my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
