at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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