if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
