i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
