The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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