You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
