remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
