apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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