The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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