Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
