i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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