She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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