I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
