mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
