Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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