This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
