Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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