I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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