did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
