His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
