my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
He's on the porch naked. Help.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
