dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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