i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
