I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you win again, gameday.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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