Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
