"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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