Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
