Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
