I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
