where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
where are my eyebrows?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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