she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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