remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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