i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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