I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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