I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
