someone threw a dead crab at me
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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