Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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