U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I puked a lego.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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