it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Are we still banned from the library?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
