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My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Randomize
