So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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