The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
