If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
