I hate all girls vehemently.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Just invented taco cereal.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
